You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
