it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize