I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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