I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Sober January is a disaster.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
