peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The adults are the big ones right?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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