There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
True but thats because hes a fetus.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
