im having a threesome with these popsicles
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
