Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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