My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
