I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
