Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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