Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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