My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
