he thought i was a dude.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
