i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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