i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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