Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
