I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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