Sacagawea was the original milf.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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