Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
