So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
soo... how was my night?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
