Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
