I met the friendliest cop last night
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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