I smell stomach acid.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
