Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
