How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
