there's paper in my vomit.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
