We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
