Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
