Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
