can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
