At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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