the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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