I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
