You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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