if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i permit you to call me
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
