I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
