wakey wakey hands off snakey
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
