Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
