my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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