I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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