apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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