my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
