If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
