Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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