Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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