you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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