Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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