I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
