and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
My vagina is very pro this idea
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
