Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
