Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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