i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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