Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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