whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
