I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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