Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
