What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
