this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
