Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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