Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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