When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
