dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
