if you like me you must not know who I am
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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