awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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