Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
