I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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