I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's shark week go big or go home
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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