I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
