Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
