she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
