i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
