I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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