my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
